DIGITAL
On a walk last night, we saw a San Francisco cable car at a 45 degree angle, shaking like crazy while people fell off and cars came screeching to a halt. Lots of screeching. Then they re-set, and did it all again.

Here's the problem with digital effects. If a film crew is going to shut down city streets in the middle of San Francisco - I want to see THE HULK, not just a bunch of people pointing and screaming at not-a-damn-thing.

FIVE DAYS
In the last five days:

FEAR
Lane and I found our way to the front the Fear Factor audition line. There were 2,000+ people who wanted to do really moronic stunts for money - and we were at the front of the line.

Items on the contestant questionnaire included:
~ Tell us about your most traumatizing event.
~ Tell us about the best job you've ever had.
~ Tell us something amazing about yourself that nobody knows just by looking at you.
~ Tell about the time you were the most embarrassed.

And here's what I discovered:
~ All these stories come flying out in a bar, when the beer is flowing.
On a hung-over Saturday morning, when put on the spot - these come much slower.
I'll let you know if I get a callback.
(no breath should be held)

EVICTED
I learned that my roommate often misses paying rent by a freaking mile. Mr-Nice-Guy-Landlord is (justifiably) out of patience. I'm in charge of tenant-landlord relations now. I'm unpacking the boxes.

GAME
"Who Am I?" is a party game in which you have to write the name a famous person on a post-it, stick it to a strangers back and watch as they ask Yes or No questions to deduce "Who They Are". Everyone (including you) has a name on their back. We played it for hours yesterday in a room full of people I know much better now.

If you don't like someone from the minute you see them: make them Jar Jar Binks. Mark Twain is very easy. Santa is harder than you think.

CHECK IT
San Francisco now has what all true cosmopolitan cities must have to attain that top tier international status:
826 Valencia - a convenient and clean place where customers can buy pirate supplies at reasonable prices.

[via mighty girl]

Oh, no.

DRAGSTER
I went to The First Annual Power Tool Drag Races yesterday at a great junk yard.

Highlights:
~ Spending a whole afternoon standing atop a mid-'80s Buick Skylark, that sat atop another car, too crushed to identify.
~ Realizing the snowcones were a better part vodka.
~ The absurd amount of time, money and, solder people blew through to "customize" (trash) perfectly good power tools so that they might fly down a 1 ft. wide, 100 ft. long track.
~ Trying to identify the bastardized power tool before the announcer told us what it was.

FAVORITE DRAGSTER: A 10 amp belt sander with a big brown teddy bear hot glued to the top. It was called "Teddy Bear's Terrible Picnic."

BEST CONTESTANT: The 13 year old girl who just took a belt sander out of a box, hooked it up to two 100 ft extension cords and kicked everyone else's ass.

I Am My Dad
Yesterday, I shouted at a couple of kids on the MUNI staition (SF subway) to ,"Stop littering, please!"

and I realized, I am my Dad.

Other evidence:
~ The manner in which I say, "Horseshit!" when I am dubious of someone's arguement,
~ My devotion to beer and beer-related activities,
~ My knee-jerk reaction to the President of the United States (timing here is essential),
~ My unwavering faith that people, the mean average of mankind, is pretty good and worth defending.

Yeah, I am my Dad.

STEWART BRAND
One of the brightest guys I've ever met is Stewart Brand. He started the Whole Earth Catalog the year I was born and is now working on the 10,000 year clock - the coolest project ever (though some people think his Rosetta project or All Species project is cooler.)

I recommended one of his books as a gift today. Everybody should own How Buildings Learn.

I need to get smarter.

DUELING BLOGS
He Said / She Said is really fun when you're neither He nor She.

HMCRA
I live next door to the Harvey Milk Civil Rights Academy. It looks and sounds like any other elementary school, but with a few more self-actualizing chants (every morning). Yesterday I was walking back from the store and I noticed the playground was silent. I crossed the street to investigate and saw 50 kids on the ground. They were lying in a circle, perfectly still while a middle age man was calmly directing them,
"Feel yourself melting into the Earth. Feel the Earth rotating..spinning...carrying you with it through space..."

We didn't do yoga when I was in 3rd grade. We played Dodge-Ball or Kick the Catholic or something. As I was about to seriously roll my eyes, I saw a kid in the way back of the school yard, doing super-fast jumping jacks.
This was the kid who couldn't stay still and leave the others to meditate.
I really liked this kid. This was me.

11:56
Turbo Tax and I just transmitted my returns. I have 4 minutes to spare.
Man, Dad would be proud.

BLANK
You know that moment where the previews have ended and the screen is black and silent for two seconds before the movie starts? In those two seconds, I always forget what movie we're seeing. I usually just try to remember what I said at the ticket counter - then I think to myself, "Oh, yeah. I really wanted to see that movie. Cool!"

WATCH
MOM: Hey, you probably don't remember this, but you're grandma gave you her dad's pocketwatch when you were a teenager.
ME: (silent. I'd been dreading this for years) Oh...yeah...ok, I remember that.
MOM: Do you know where that is?
ME: (Crap! the direct ask. no wiggle room) No, not really.
MOM: Well, I took it. You kept leaving it around so I hid it until you were old enough.
ME: (Still recovering for not getting busted) Oh, ... good ... that's cool.
MOM: What are you, 33 now?
ME: Yeah, 33.
MOM: OK. You can have it back.

'SPLAININ'
Walking behind a 13 yr-old boy, all flustered and explaining to his sister why he woke up in her bed,
"OK, I was trying to wake YOU up for school! I fell asleep again, because YOU"RE deaf!

- beat - she smirks

OK. Fine. You be late!"

SPLIT
I spent 9-10PM last night splitting my time evenly between America's Funniest Home Videos (I think it was the "Takin' It In The 'Nads" special) and PBS's Antiques Roadshow.
Perfect.

BK, follow up
Anil has been ordering "Two Beefs and Cheddar" at Arby's for years.
Anil's no stranger to contempt.

BK
Like Attorneys General or Editors-in-Chief, the plural of Whopper Junior is Whoppers Junior. My girlfriend wanted a Whopper Junior today, so I offered to go inside, as oppose to drive-through, just so I could say Whoppers Junior as many times as I could find cause. I found lots of cause. I also found lots of contempt. They didn't give me the "knowing smirk" or the "slack-jawed gape", just lots of looks that said, "I don't know why you're saying that, but you're an ass."

W
After his better-late-than-never tough talk about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the President walked over to the East Room where he met with Elmo and the "boa-clad trio called the Vowelles" who "opted to don cowboy hats and perform a western tune called "W Trouble."

Beneath George Washington and Theodore Roosevelt portraits, they sang:

"I got W trouble
And I know what's to blame.
It's because there's no "wuh" sound
In W's name.
I am wasted, and woeful,
And wilted and tense.
What's with W's "wuh" sound?
It doesn't make sense!"

Just brilliant.
(from the Wash Post)

RETURNED
I'll start the legal defense fund. There's not a jury in the land that'd convict him.
Post-Crescent - Crashed computer boots local man into jail

CHANGE
With 7 years in New York City and 2 years living in San Francisco, I have my "Sorry, no" response to panhandlers refined to a synaptic impulse. I never ignore people who ask, but I rarely, if ever, give money.

Today a guy my age in pretty ok shape walks up to me and says, "Can I have 53 cents for some pizza?"
After my, "Sorry, no" I start to wonder exactly what he then confirms:
"OK. How about six bucks for some heroin?"


Two immediate thoughts:
~ What kind of heroin are you buying for $6?
~ I like it better when people just pretend it's for food. Or beer.

THE WORST ROOMMATE
Chicago Tribune | Man's death tied to dinner dispute

David Norington, 38, bludgeoned Ollie Hale while they fought over a chicken dinner. Norington accused Hale of taking more than his share and attacked him with an ashtray, pliers, a hammer, a fire extinguisher, a dumbbell and, finally, a knife, then called 911 about 2:30 a.m. to report the incident.